What advice were you given as a young lady about how to “make a man happy”? Was that something you discussed growing up?
My mama worked full-time outside of the home. She made her own money, but she also made me aware that men have an ego. My mama’s opinion of how a man should cater to a woman definitely evolved over time.
Growing up, she used to make my daddy his dinner plate. By the time I was in high school, she had adopted the mindset of, “Fix it yourself.” It didn’t mean much to me then, but it sure does now.
The recent Hulu series Furious, featuring Emma Rosum, is a testament to what can happen when men’s egos are out of control. Most of the men on the show represent the types of assholes we have seen in our lives and pray to never be next to again in one way or another.
These are men who have been told—and constantly expect—their egos to be stroked because they genuinely believe it is the truth: that they are superior to the opposite sex. That mindset sets off a chain of events that puts men in powerful positions while leaving other women feeling vulnerable, unprotected, and paralyzed by fear.
The thought that past events can seize you and keep you from moving forward is exactly what haunts Alice Black in Furious. She is seized by fear. The memories of her ex pulling her out of the shower haunt her, and she’d rather be stank than deal with her emotions.
That visual alone made an impact on me because of what it communicated about trauma. Sometimes fear doesn’t look like screaming or running. Sometimes it looks like avoiding something as simple as taking a shower because your mind has connected that ordinary act to something terrifying.
There is no doubt that Elizabeth Meriwether is making a point about the treatment of women. As I rewatch Little House on the Prairie (I’m not sure why), Call the Midwife, and Bridgerton, it has become more and more apparent to me that not much has changed.
My co-host, Kim, mentions the Tracey Thurman case from 1983 in the show, as well as the more recent case involving Lindsay Clancy, where questions about power, protection, and the treatment of women became part of the larger conversation. The storyline of unprotected girls and women, as we mention in the show, ain’t a fun one—but it is necessary. It is evident that we still have so much more work to do when it comes to men respecting women.
I used to think that respect from a man could be seen in things like not cheating, opening doors, paying the bill, and being on time.
But as I have been married, I’ve realized that being married is like being on a team.
It is paramount, in my opinion, that everyone on the team be respected. There is no one who should have greater power than the other, especially when there is no captain. When it is time to make a decision, the facts should be laid out, everyone should have a voice, and ultimately, compromises should be made.
It should never be, “My way, and that’s it.”
But I have found myself in situations—both at home and at work—where it was apparent that if my opinion didn’t have something to do with the children, lunch orders, or some other specific responsibility, my opinion could barely be considered.
And at my big age, I have no desire to continue following the cultural rule of boosting a man’s ego when no one is doing the same for me.
Maybe that’s the problem.
The ego-boosting game has always been played in the man’s favor. Women have been taught to make men feel important, respected, desired, and needed—even when that same consideration isn’t always returned.
Maybe things start to even out when we stop treating one person’s ego as more important than the other person’s humanity.
Because I don’t want to spend the rest of my life making a man feel like a king while quietly making myself smaller.
How do you feel about stroking the male ego? Has your view changed over time?